The following is the opening paragraph of an essay on diversity which the student felt lacked a clear introduction and “hook”.

Diversity is about learning from others who are not the same, about dignity and respect for all, and about being open to learning about our differences. I know that for myself that I treat everyone that I serve with dignity and respect, regardless of our differences. For example, I am biracial: my mother is Mexican and my father is Black. I was raised in a community where most of the population was Latino.I grew up in the Latino community for over twenty five years so eventually I learned how to speak Spanish fluently. This community is part of my heritage that is important to me as a Black woman. Because I want to do research in the area of Latino community, I want to be able to help improve the lives of the Latinos. My cultural background has provided me with the capacity to work effectively with individuals from diverse backgrounds.

Which I changed to:

I am biracial: my mother is Mexican and my father is Black. I was raised in a community where most of the population was Latino. Eventually I learned how to speak fluent Spanish. This community is part of my heritage. I want to do research  to help improve the lives of the Latinos. I try to treat everyone that I serve with dignity and respect, regardless of our differences. Diversity means that one can listen to others whose background is not the same with dignity and respect, recognizing the differences between us without belittling or exaggerating them.

When in doubt, start with the concrete–which is why I changed the order in this paragraph. I also removed some phrases either because they were awkward, redundant (”I know for myself…”)  irrelevant to the point at hand (”…to me as a Black woman”–unless the student can include some sort of link from the Latino community specifically to this identity) or repetitive  (I tried to cut down on the number of times “learning” was used.)

Putting a less repetitive version of her thoughts on diversity last makes a good introduction to the second paragraph, especially if she includes more of her own experience in that second paragraph–which I recommended. I also suggested making the essay not just about her triumphs, but also her struggles and possibly even her failures in embracing diversity. Any instances of less than perfect assumptions or behavior on her part will make her essay stronger and the reader more likely to identify with her.