The following are the first two paragraphs of a motivation letter for a Dutch student applying to an exchange program.

Dear Sir / Madam,

Bachelor exchange is about new experiences. Getting to know yourself better, getting to know new people, new environments. I would be honoured to be considered as a part of an experience like this.

Let me get started with a short introduction of myself. My name is Maarten van den Heuvel. As my name reveals, I am Dutch. I was born in Nijmegen and I went to primary and secondary school there. I moved to this part of the country almost two years back. In the mean time I have settled here and learned how to live without my parents. The first bachelor year was filled with lots of fun and working hard. Nevertheless, I completed all my first year courses during the first year and all courses of the first trimester of the second year by obtaining a sufficient grade. My believe is that I made the perfect choice to apply at R__ after secondary school. I am sure that I made a comparable choice by applying for this exchange programme.

Which I changed to

To The Selection Committee:
I am writing to apply to the __________ Exchange Programme. I am from the Netherlands. I was born in Nijmegen where I went to primary and secondary school. I moved to _______ almost two years back to attend R______ ________ __________. R___ was the perfect choice for me. I have completed all my first-year courses and all courses of the first trimester of the second year with a grade-point average of_____. I now want to be part of your programme, to gain new experience, get to know myself and other people better and expose myself to a new environment.
The introduction is basically sound, but I have condensed it and tweaked the sentences to make them an easier read. I have also corrected some common, though not serious, errors like the salutation. Never begin with “Dear Sir/Madam” unless you want your recipient to throw out the letter before he or she has finished reading it. In the United States most applications are decided by a selection committee. If an individual will be the one making the decision for the program, find out the name and preferred title of that person (from the programme website or by making a phone call) and use it. Also business correspondence salutations always end in a colon.

Avoid stating “My name is” in an introduction since your name should be on your CV and the rest of your application as well as the signature and the return address. I omitted the “Let me get started…”, the bit about living without parents and the fun and hard work of the first year because they are all unnecessary filler. The letter is a lot stronger without them.  The student also should, in the first mention, spell out the name of the university and, if it’s not an embarrassment, include his grade-point average (or the European equivalent). “Sufficient grade” is not familiar phrase to me. For a U.S. program the sentence would be, “I have passed all my first-year courses as well as all the courses of the first semester of my second-year.” In the U.S. the only common usage of “trimester” is to describe the progress of a pregnancy!