Here is the first paragraph of a student’s personal statement.

College was never very high on my priority list growing up in a rural southern mill-town. Being born to a small family where education was rarely a focus, homework went unchecked at night along with dinner being uncooked. I had never been told college was important for survival in the world outside of my town. I was taught to fit in, be afraid and sit back.

Which I changed to

In the rural southern mill-town where I grew up, college was never high on the priority list. In my family education was rarely the focus. Nobody checked my homework at night. No one told me college was important for survival in the world outside of my town. Instead everyone told me to fit in, be afraid and sit back.

I removed some irrelevant information and changed every instance of the passive voice into the active voice. Making the sentences more direct (and getting rid of the TMII) lets the power of the personal statement shine through.