Here’s the first part of an ESL student’s motivation letter.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
I am hereby applying for the English-taught bachelor’s programme in ___________, at the University of ___________, for the academic year 2009-2010.
Having lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city is has become my dearest dream to study abroad after graduating highschool. Even though my hometown is very dear to me, I feel a strong need of a change of scenary, a need to discover new cultures, to gain new experience. Studying in a foreign country, in a foreign language at an excellent university with an international environment will provide me with knowledge and experience that for sure I cannot achieve studying in my own country.
Which I changed to
To The Selection Committee:
I have lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city, so my dearest dream is to study abroad after I graduate high school. I love my hometown but feel a strong need to discover new cultures and gain new experience. Studying at the English-taught bachelor’s programme in _____________________ at the University of ____________ will provide me with the knowledge and change of scene that I crave.
Why did I make the revisions that I did?
1) Salutations for a motivation letter (or anything other than junk mail) should never begin “To Whom It May Concern”. Either do a little research to find out the full name and title of the contact person (Dr. would be the most likely title in the U.S.) or use my salutation (which is acceptable for this type of program which–in the U.S.–usually has a committee reviewing applications). Also, a business (as opposed to personal) letter salutation always ends in a colon.
2) I made the sentences a lot more direct and eliminated unnecessary words like “hereby”, which is old-fashioned and should be used only in official proclamations.The program and university to which the student is applying should be part of the concluding sentence in the first paragraph.
3) Avoid the word “foreign” in this context. The country and the language are not necessarily foreign to the people to whom the student is addressing this letter.
4) I also asked the student to try to include either in this paragraph or the one right after it why she would be a great addition to this program. I suggested, “Make your motivation letter less about what you want and more about why they should want you.”
