Here is an ESL student’s admission essay to a US college

I choose _______for I value the close relationships with my professors. I am the very student who manages to grasp teacher’s message through tacit eye-contacts, who visits teachers’ offices most frequently, and who always attributes much of the excellence in school to close relationships with teachers. Now I can even imagine the sunny afternoon, when I sit with Professor. _____ ______ in the exquisite _______ _______interestedly discussing some of his newly published short stories and got his advice on my essay, when I happen to meet my adviser in _______ Library and we have a chat in a comfortable seating arrangement.As one of the top 40 colleges in America, ____ ranks 1st in its faculty accessibility. As a girl who is constantly inspired and therefore deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that _____ is the place for me.

Which I Changed To

I am choosing ____________ because I value close relationships with my professors. I am the type of student who wants to fully understand her teacher’s message, who visits teachers’ offices and who can attribute much of her achievement in school to the relationships she has cultivated with teachers. I want to sit with Professor ______ _______ in the __________ discussing some of his newly published short stories and getting his advice on my essay. Among the top 40 colleges in America,_____ ranks first in  faculty accessibility. As a person inspired and deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that _____ is the place for me.

The first paragraph is basically sound, but I removed a lot of unnecessary words and awkward phrases and tried to clarify some murky parts. At some points I had to guess at what the student wanted to convey. Watch out for too many adjectives and adverbs (which is why I got rid of the “most frequently” after “visits  teachers’ offices”) or, in the case of the imagined interaction with the faculty, too much irrelevant detail–which is why I cut out the “sunny afternoon” and meeting with the advisor. The student’s experience would be as valuable if she talked with her professor on a cloudy morning and met with her advisor in a completely different part of the campus!