The following is the opening paragraph of an essay on diversity which the student felt lacked a clear introduction and “hook”.

Diversity is about learning from others who are not the same, about dignity and respect for all, and about being open to learning about our differences. I know that for myself that I treat everyone that I serve with dignity and respect, regardless of our differences. For example, I am biracial: my mother is Mexican and my father is Black. I was raised in a community where most of the population was Latino.I grew up in the Latino community for over twenty five years so eventually I learned how to speak Spanish fluently. This community is part of my heritage that is important to me as a Black woman. Because I want to do research in the area of Latino community, I want to be able to help improve the lives of the Latinos. My cultural background has provided me with the capacity to work effectively with individuals from diverse backgrounds.

Which I changed to:

I am biracial: my mother is Mexican and my father is Black. I was raised in a community where most of the population was Latino. Eventually I learned how to speak fluent Spanish. This community is part of my heritage. I want to do research  to help improve the lives of the Latinos. I try to treat everyone that I serve with dignity and respect, regardless of our differences. Diversity means that one can listen to others whose background is not the same with dignity and respect, recognizing the differences between us without belittling or exaggerating them.

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Being in front of an audience has been a passion of mine since the first time during a live concert in front of over seven thousand spectators as I sang in a duet with the opening act of the Latin Rock Star, Cristian Castro. Although I was only ten years old at that time, I can still vividly recall that rather than being nervous, I could hardly wait to perform my part. Since that time, I have realized that the stage is an ideal means of communication where I can make people laugh and cry, make people think about different issues, and transmit my emotions and my ideas. I have always loved performing for my family, friends, or anyone who is willing to watch. It never mattered if it was by performing magic, singing, dancing, or acting. Nevertheless, this was an interest that I had to develop on my own. The unfortunate thing is that the entertainment industry in my homeland of El Salvador is practically non-existent. As a developing nation with limited resources, there is an understandable lack of funds allocated to this industry. But perhaps the most frustrating thing for me is that the lack of funds seems to have also effectively exterminated any interest in the arts as well.

Which I changed to

I have loved being in front of an audience since I sang a duet during a live concert in front of seven thousand spectators. I was only ten years old, but I can still recall that rather than being nervous, I could hardly wait to perform my part. Since then, I have realized that the stage is an ideal medium to communicate, where I can make people laugh, cry and think about different issues. I can convey my emotions and my ideas. I enjoy performing for my family, friends, or anyone who is willing to watch. I have performed magic, sung, danced and acted. I had to develop my talent on my own. The entertainment industry in my native El Salvador, a developing nation with limited resources, is practically non-existent. The lack of funds seems to have killed any interest in the arts as well.

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The following are the first two paragraphs of a motivation letter for a Dutch student applying to an exchange program.

Dear Sir / Madam,

Bachelor exchange is about new experiences. Getting to know yourself better, getting to know new people, new environments. I would be honoured to be considered as a part of an experience like this.

Let me get started with a short introduction of myself. My name is Maarten van den Heuvel. As my name reveals, I am Dutch. I was born in Nijmegen and I went to primary and secondary school there. I moved to this part of the country almost two years back. In the mean time I have settled here and learned how to live without my parents. The first bachelor year was filled with lots of fun and working hard. Nevertheless, I completed all my first year courses during the first year and all courses of the first trimester of the second year by obtaining a sufficient grade. My believe is that I made the perfect choice to apply at R__ after secondary school. I am sure that I made a comparable choice by applying for this exchange programme.

Which I changed to

To The Selection Committee:
I am writing to apply to the __________ Exchange Programme. I am from the Netherlands. I was born in Nijmegen where I went to primary and secondary school. I moved to _______ almost two years back to attend R______ ________ __________. R___ was the perfect choice for me. I have completed all my first-year courses and all courses of the first trimester of the second year with a grade-point average of_____. I now want to be part of your programme, to gain new experience, get to know myself and other people better and expose myself to a new environment.
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Here is the first paragraph of a student’s personal statement.

College was never very high on my priority list growing up in a rural southern mill-town. Being born to a small family where education was rarely a focus, homework went unchecked at night along with dinner being uncooked. I had never been told college was important for survival in the world outside of my town. I was taught to fit in, be afraid and sit back.

Which I changed to

In the rural southern mill-town where I grew up, college was never high on the priority list. In my family education was rarely the focus. Nobody checked my homework at night. No one told me college was important for survival in the world outside of my town. Instead everyone told me to fit in, be afraid and sit back.

I removed some irrelevant information and changed every instance of the passive voice into the active voice. Making the sentences more direct (and getting rid of the TMII) lets the power of the personal statement shine through.

Here’s the first part of an ESL student’s motivation letter.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I am hereby applying for the English-taught bachelor’s programme in ___________, at the University of ___________, for the academic year 2009-2010.

Having lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city is has become my dearest dream to study abroad after graduating highschool. Even though my hometown is very dear to me, I feel a strong need of a change of scenary, a need to discover new cultures, to gain new experience. Studying in a foreign country, in a foreign language at an excellent university with an international environment will provide me with knowledge and experience that for sure I cannot achieve studying in my own country.

Which I changed to

To The Selection Committee:
I have lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city, so my dearest dream is to study abroad after I graduate high school. I love my hometown but feel a strong need to discover new cultures and gain new experience. Studying at the English-taught bachelor’s programme in _____________________ at the University of ____________ will provide me with the knowledge and change of scene that I crave.

Why did I make the revisions that I did? Read more »

Here is an ESL student’s admission essay to a US college

I choose _______for I value the close relationships with my professors. I am the very student who manages to grasp teacher’s message through tacit eye-contacts, who visits teachers’ offices most frequently, and who always attributes much of the excellence in school to close relationships with teachers. Now I can even imagine the sunny afternoon, when I sit with Professor. _____ ______ in the exquisite _______ _______interestedly discussing some of his newly published short stories and got his advice on my essay, when I happen to meet my adviser in _______ Library and we have a chat in a comfortable seating arrangement.As one of the top 40 colleges in America, ____ ranks 1st in its faculty accessibility. As a girl who is constantly inspired and therefore deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that _____ is the place for me.

Which I Changed To

I am choosing ____________ because I value close relationships with my professors. I am the type of student who wants to fully understand her teacher’s message, who visits teachers’ offices and who can attribute much of her achievement in school to the relationships she has cultivated with teachers. I want to sit with Professor ______ _______ in the __________ discussing some of his newly published short stories and getting his advice on my essay. Among the top 40 colleges in America,_____ ranks first in  faculty accessibility. As a person inspired and deeply influenced by her teachers, I know that _____ is the place for me.

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Here is the first paragraph from an ESL student’s essay on the film The Kite Runner.

Kite Runner movie has been filmed in the 1980 and the story passed in 1988 about wealthy guy from Iran and his son in Afghanistan. Dad always complained about his son because,  when he was in trouble, he has never fought back although their friends were teasing. The son has a friend name is Hasan,  hasan and his father are working in wealthy family’s house.

Which I changed to

The film The Kite Runner takes place from 1980 to 1988. The main characters are a wealthy man from Iran and his son. They live in Afghanistan. The father complains about his son because when the son is in trouble, he does not fight back. The son has a friend named Hasan. Hasan and his father work in the wealthy family’s house.

The Kite Runner is a title of a full-length movie, so it should be italicized. The film’s title does include “The” as a quick search on Google attests. The movie was just filmed recently: it’s the plot that takes place in the eighties, which I have tried to clarify. Try to keep essays like this one in the present tense unless you are describing an event that precedes what happens in the book, so “complains” instead of “complained”, “is in trouble” instead of “was in trouble”.

The following are the first two paragraphs from an applied physics student’s Statement of Purpose.

I am an M.Tech. student in thePhysics Dept. of (my univ). During the course of my graduate study, I have developed a keen and active interest in the fields of Photonics. I wish to pursue a Ph.D. in the above fields because I think, with my determination and capabilities, I can benefit and contribute to the department’s research activities while studying for a Ph.D. at name of the university.

During the nascent stage of my career, an inherent interest towards physics and mathematics encouraged me to take Electronics and Telecommunication Engineering as my undergraduate study at (Undergraduate univ). During my undergraduate study, the amazing phenomena of light-matter interaction intrigued me. Introduction to the fields of optoelectronic devices, optical fibers gave an impetuous to my inquisitive mind to delve into these fields. My interest in these fields and a desire to involve myself in an active research in the same fields grew stronger during the tenure of my lectureship. To fulfil my desire I opted for Applied Optics for my postgraduate study at (my univ), after being among top 1% successful candidates in (Entrance exam). The world class education along with the interaction with eminent professors helped me to strengthen my knowledge in the fields of Applied Physics.

Which I changed to
I am a student in the physics department of (my univ). During the course of my graduate study, I have developed a keen interest in photonics and wish to pursue a Ph.D.in that field.
I studied electronics and telecommunication engineering as an undergraduate at (Undergraduate univ) where the phenomena of light-matter interaction first caught my attention. My introduction to optoelectronic devices and optical fibers made me want to delve deeper into their study. My ambition to involve myself in active research in the field grew stronger during the tenure of my lectureship. I opted to concentrate on applied optics for my postgraduate study at (my univ), where I scored in the top one percent in (Entrance exam). My studies and the interaction I have had with eminent professors has helped me to thrive in the field of applied physics.

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Here are the first two paragraphs (which I combined into one) of a motivation letter from an ESL student who wants to study zoology.

What started like a children infatuation became, as I grown up, a passion. A passion for animals and their conservation. I have always known I would have chosen a career involved with wildlife and, in general, zoology.

I grown up in a farm situated in the countryside of Forlì, in Italy. Since I was young, the possibilities to be in contact with animals, even wild ones, luckily never went out and so I started feeding my passion with books, publications and visits to Natural History Museums.

Which I changed to

I grew up on a farm in Forlì, Italy. I was always around animals, even wild ones. I fed my hunger to learn more about them with books, magazines and visits to Natural History Museums. What started as a childhood infatuation became, as I grew up, a passion. I loved animals and wanted to learn more about their conservation. I have always known I would choose a career that involved wildlife and zoology.

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Here’s the first paragraph from the personal statement of a student who wants to study history and politics.

From a young age I have found History fascinating and exciting - exploring different topics and learning about the past. I would visit museums and thoroughly enjoyed stories told by grandmother about how World War 2 had drastically affected her life. All of these made me realise I had a real hunger to learn more of our history and I still do. I am eager to further my knowledge of History at University level and the diversity of the degree appeals to me greatly.

Which I changed to

Ever since I was young I have found history, learning about the past and exploring its different facets, exciting. I visited museums and thoroughly enjoyed the stories my grandmother told about World War II and how it had drastically affected her life. I have a real hunger to learn more. I am eager to further my knowledge of history at ______ University which has a degree program that appeals to me greatly.

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